Can An Older Man Do It For Ya?

Trinity asks,

Do older men make better lovers? Older like, 50ish. They call you baby a lot, and they know what they want.

What do I tell the family and friends? When I asked a friend, "does he love you", she said "Yes"
So why does it matter? Is this taboo for the thirty-something female?


Dear Trinity,

Of course older guys know what they want. Some seltzer and a knife to do some whittling on the porch and of course the bicarbonate soda like they used to take. I'm fucking with you, sweetie.

Seriously, you oughta be fucking around with dudes in their early 30s. Actually, now that "thirty is the new twenty" according to fucks like Jay-Z, better go ahead and avoid them, too. If you're with an older man in your mid-30s, I wouldn't worry about it.

Think about it. If the guy only wanted a trophy girl, he could aim about ten years younger than you and still be in the clear. However, a girl in her thirties has a better idea what the hell's going on, what they want with their life (even if they're not 100% ironclad sure) and you're not going to be an intellectual inferior to the guy like a trophy wife might be.

Of course you know, men hit their sexual prime around the age of eighteen. That's science, but goddamn it if our nineteen-year-old selves are all over the fuckin' map. Overenthusiastic and near desperate just to get the poison out, mentally immature, and ten years later they've gained weight and bogged down from their shitty job. "I WORK TOO GODDAMN HARD TO FUCK YOU THE WAY YOU'D LIKE IT!"

Here's the deal. A fifty-year-old guy has figured it out on some level, whether they've beaten the game of life or lost like a motherfucker. I've heard that the face you get when you turn fifty years old is the face you deserve. The previous years one lived will show in their face. Unless they've been disfigured in a freak accident or something, you can tell how well a 50-year-old took care of themselves their whole lives previous. A guy could look like Alec Baldwin or the guy on the Jethro Tull "Aqualung" cover. It all depends.

So for you mid-30s girls who wondered if it was okay, it's fine. It's disappointing to us guys in your age range, but we understand. You bitches.

Hipsters Summer Wear

Sleepy asks: What do hipsters wear in the summer since they can't do scarfs and layers and cashmere and shit?

Oh Sleepy, that's where you're wrong. Hipsters are not afraid to stack a few t-shirts on top of one another, or a tank top over a t-shirt. To a flabby person, these are great mistakes. To a skinny person, they are unique affectations.

Also, just because it's summer don't mean the hipsters won't take their scarves out to play. Instead of accessorizing with a coat, they'll just let it hang around their neck. They are inventive in their little ways.

If you are a flabby type, you will never get your hands in hipsters' pants. You'll never feel their bony butts in your lap, let alone on your face. They mate with their own to preserve the race, kinda like bluebloods.

Hipsters are not conscious of the seasons. Functionality and practicality do not matter to these sprites. Have you seen their pants? Come on, man. For real. They look spray-painted on. God, I'd love to lick the denim right off their little asses. And the girls look good, too.

Why did I have to be big-boned? Even if I were at my ideal weight, I'd still be thirty pounds too big for hipsterdom. I'm a stocky guy. What the hell am I gonna do? Striped shirts? Might as well put a Jason mask on and stalk the village. Why couldn't I be built like I'd fly away in a windstorm? But NOOOOOOO, I had to be made sturdy. What thee fock?

Wine Time

Trey messed up, folks.

I left some bottles of decent reds in the car for like 8 hours and now they are colder than a muhfcuka...I'm worried that this may have ruined/effected the taste when they go back to room temperature.

Why are you drinking liquor for taste, Trey? What are you, some type of sophisticate? You think you better than me because you got a credit card and no dents in your car? Guess what, I'll go into Fred Segal in LA and piss all over $8000 sweaters until them shits are worthless because I DONT GIVE A FCUK!!! Yeah, that's right.

Sorry. I've been in a state recently. Kentucky (rimshot!). No actually I've been sick. And the truth about wine is that your wine is fine unless air got in the bottle or the wine froze in the bottle. Which let's face it, doesn't happen unless you leave it in a deep freeze or some such. I actually don't know because I think wine is bullshit. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, these are the drinks a real man drinks. Women that drink whiskey are real men, too. So let's say I like shemales.

Out of context, that sounds wrong.

I have nothing. Let's talk about pornography.

I do not have a gigantic porn wing in my house. I have a spindle with some CD-Rs and a drawer with some DVDs in them. I think this is perfectly acceptable for a man of my caliber.

So what does a guy like me enjoy in his porn? Well, to start let's discount all the stuff I don't like or understand. Like auto erotic asphyxia. I can say proudly that I have never participated in this activity. Even a mediocre orgasm is better than nothing, I figure.

And yet, even though this is done mostly by males, I'm seeing girls getting choked on camera. Not every scene, not all the time, but whenever it's done it's done to a chick. I don't get it and I wish they'd cut that out. Or be realistic and choke the dude as he's cumming. But then who'll take the load on the face? Logistics is a motherfucker, I guess.

What about this? Does this make me gay?

A lady writes in with this reply to the previous post.

So if a girl makes out with another girl, is she bi? Because, yes I have made out with girls but I do not identify as bi.

Dear lady,

Again, no. Kissing is okay. Kissing at the bar is even better. Kissing in the ladies' room at the bar is even better and hotter, but it doesn't make you bi. A public girl-girl makeout is just good showmanship. It's also a great way to get free drinks. Save your money, let 'Bro handle the tab.

Go re-read the last blog I wrote and change the gender. Okay? Great.

Does this make you gay?

Mike writes in with this salacious tale...

I recently gave oral sex to my girlfriend's fiance... We were drunk at a New Years Eve party, I walked in on him taking a piss, and instead of shooing me away, he told me to come back, lock the door, and we handled our business.

Three weeks later, it's still VERY awkward between us whenever we see each other, and I've texted him that I liked it, but he responded "Dude I'm not gay... Drop it".

What should I think!??! He's not gay but he initiated it and he came just fine that night.

Dear Mike,

First, I have nothing against gay people, but I just wish your name wasn't Mike so people reading this won't think I'm pretending to be you. I've done this before with previous posts, and now they're gonna think I'm a cock-gobbler. Which wouldn't be a problem if it were true. So I guess I have a problem with gay guys, at least the ones named Mike. I'm sorry.

First of all, it's fucked up that you fooled around with your girlfriend's fiance. That girl who wanted to go shopping with you and compliment as she tried on new outfits. How cold can you be, man?

"We were drunk". Your words, not mine. "We were drunk" is practically a hall-pass to do shit one wouldn't do normally. You might scarf it sober but he wouldn't, and that's his problem. Of course it's awkward when you see him. That's your chick's dude and you both know something she doesn't, something that would set off the scene like a keg of dynamite. You have a Jerry Springer episode on your hands, and for you to text him is basically not allowing this issue to die which he obviously wants to happen.

To me, you hurt your girlfriend. I don't even care about the fiance getting a drunk BJ from you because human sexuality is fluid and all sorts of other stuff psychologists and college/Myspace bisexuals talk about. This poor girl is fuckin' lost. She's worried about her other girlfriends, other women, and not the D.L.. How fucked up is that?

Come on, man. There's plenty of dick to suck in this world, and a lot of it belongs to those who identify as straight men. But you crossed a line, and this poor girl is in for a rude shock if she finds out about it. Unless you don't give a shit about your friendship to her, you oughta care more about her than ol' boy.

Ex-Girl To Next Girl

Asks Ron,

I'm dating this sister, things are getting serious. We've been intimate on numerous occasions.

Yesterday I asked her how many sexual partners she's had. She told me that was none of business. Now this makes me think that she was or is a roller.

Personally I don't see anything wrong with asking. What do ya think? Have you told your SO how many partners you had?

Dear Ron,

I don't think it's inappropriate to ask this question to a lover. However, be prepared to receive a less-than-truthful answer, be you an innie or outie. Lemme explain...

Guys will talk up their numbers. Chicks will talk down their numbers. The guy wants to assure that he has enough experience in the field. The chick wants to assure that she is not a jizzbucket. Typically, she won't be a jizzbucket (I'm so magnanimous), but that doesn't stop her from fudging the numbers anyway.

I wish you'd told me how old you and your girl are. I could make a better decision for you. I knew a chick a long time ago who'd fucked at least fifty dudes by the time she turned twenty-four. Her two best girlfriends would always bitch about her getting drunk and fucking more than one guy at the same party. That girl had a VOID, son, and I am not talking about her cave of a vagina.

Reckon that the older the chick is, the higher the number should be. Adjust for inflation, like we're talking about 1970 dollars compared to now. For example, in November 1970 Richard Nixon asked Congress for $155 million in aid to prevent the Khmer Rouge from overthrowing the Cambodian government. $155 million. That's practically an arts endowment in 2009.

Meanwhile, you got guys counting every encounter they can imagineer into counting on the final tally. They'll count handjobs, blowjobs, and jerking off in the next room while their roommate and his girlfriend have sex. The trick is to use a number that is believable to the liar himself. If he's fucked three girls, he'll say nine because it's not that far away. Also, nine is divisible by three.

Take my word for it, I've fucked seventeen women. Wink, wink.