The 500-Lb. Guide To Cocaine

NOTE: The 500-Lb. Life Coach has never done coke. Possibly because on the few occasions it was offered to him, he was scared of the people who offered to him. It's also possible that a fat rail of coke would end up getting caught up in my arteries and kill me once and for all. That doesn't mean I can't tell you the TRUTH about this white powder, for mostly ill.

COCAINE: TRUTH TIME

Cocaine. It's a motherfucker. It's a hell of a drug, like Rick James said. Cocaine has inspired a lot of bad music, bad movies, bad entertainment. Okay, the movie "Xanadu"? Whoever made that movie? REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEL high on coke.

"Flash Gordon", the 1980 Dino De Laurentiis movie with a soundtrack by Queen? Totally coked out, and probably the soundtrack too. That "Sgt. Pepper's" film with the Bee Gees and Peter Frampton. Mm-hmm. Van Halen's "1984" album. Same there.

But do you need modern examples, like from the last five years? Okay, I got you on there. OutKast's "Idlewild"? How's that for you. At least half the album (we know which one). More than a fair amount of rap music, hell - most pop music. I imagine Hannah Montana's songwriters are Hoovering themselves all the way to a deviated system.

And the film industry. I can only imagine that Brett Ratner and Michael Bay are up to their eyebrows in snow. Jerry Bruckheimer used to work with Don Simpson, the most infamous coked-out producer in modern Hollywood history. Don Simpson's exploits are Hollywood legend, and you have to imagine Bruckie had it together enough to keep his use in moderation. This motherfucker thought we needed, what, five Lethal Weapon movies? This prick made Mel Gibson the world-wide star he is today. Snowblowing fucker.

But enough about Coke and Hollywood. Let's talk about Coke and You.

How can any drug be glamorous if you have to do it in a bathroom stall? Honestly. Or in your boss' office at the restaurant you work? Honestly, how much pep do you need to take a party to their table? How is making a night out better when it's the same old club or bar, only you're more erratic? Honestly. Let's keep it real, children.

Coke and Teens:

What the fuck are you doing, teens? You've got pot and beer, why do you need to do coke and you're not even out of high school. Can't you wait until you're in college? I know you're not listen to me. Most of you aren't going to read this. Hell, you've probably done some already, you might be doing cocaine as you read this. In which case, STOP FUCKER!

Don't you know if you do coke, you make a kitten cry?



Do you see what you have done, coked-up teens of America? You've forced this kitten to pick up the bad habit of drinking? Mind you, it's a foo-foo drink but still, you're breaking Fluffy's fuckin' heart!