The Greatest Achievement...not so great, really.

Last week, I promised to unveil the greatest achievement in the history of modern art.

As it turns out, I don't have a very strong argument for my case, which was this: the fact that there are eight Dead Milkmen albums is the greatest achievement in the history of modern art.



And indeed it's a hell of an achievement, simply that they got to make eight albums (two of which released on a genuine MAJOR LABEL) over the course of ten years. But it can't possibly be the greatest achievement, for a myriad of reasons. I'll try to list a few below.

Reason One: The idea that the culmination of all modern art would include "Bitchin' Camaro" would mark me as either a fanboy or complete doofus. Honestly, I couldn't live with myself either way.

Reason Two: The idea of "Greatest (ANYTHING)" has been beaten to death far before I ever got to the party. For example, Rolling Stone and Blender frequently have lists of things they consider "Greatest". Usually, I deride these list as foolish and trite. So for me to consider anything "definitive", "greatest" or that icky term "seminal" is hypocritical. I should know better.

Reason Three: What if I'm right, and people believe me? Do we erect stone monuments to Joe Jack Talcum and Rodney Anonymous? If so, where do we erect them? Not to mention, as much as I enjoy their music, should we really canonize the guys who wrote "Takin' Retards To The Zoo" and "Surfin' Cow"? Methinks not.

Reason Four, and Most Importantly: My definition of Modern Art, which included pop music, books and movies, stretches the term "Modern Art" beyond the breaking point. I can't really include "Dude, Where's My Car", "Trump: The Art of the Deal" or any Beyonce album under the Modern Art umbrella alongside the Dadaist movement, Bauhaus movement, Pop Art et al.

So I apologize for this copout and inability to defend eight Dead Milkmen albums as the greatest achievement in Modern Art. However, the fact that they got to make eight, all of which gaining some sort of nationwide or international distribution, is damn near the most miraculous achievement ever. I can't front, it's pretty inspiring.