Queenology: Why Not Already?

As very few of you know, I am a huge fan of the band Queen. For those of you who don't know, Queen was a band that featured as its' lead singer a gentleman from Zanzibaar with buck teeth named Freddie Mercury. He wore tights that would embarrass most men, leotards that didn't have neck-lines so much as belly-button-lines, which would show that either he (hopefully) kept rolled-up tube socks in the front or (probably) he really enjoyed his job as frontman.

On guitar, stood a very tall aspiring scientist named Brian May. In his youth, he built a guitar out of the kindling of a discarded fireplace, a guitar he would go on to play for the rest of his years. May called it "The Red Special"; snarky jerks referred to it as "The Fireplace". In his later years, he would complete his doctorate in astronomy and publish his thesis on zodiacal light. Essentially, he remains a Renaissance man and the kind of person who could be Dr. Who.

On drums, the sole blond gent in the group, sat Roger Taylor, once known as Roger Meddows-Taylor. Roger liked fast cars and women, and for his part once wrote a great song called "I'm In Love With My Car." Rather than big star Freddie, Roger was the first Queen member to release a solo album. I have not heard it.

The bassist was John Deacon, a r&b enthusiast who was rumored to be a mole who lived in a cavern in the English countryside. John was the quiet, reserved type and had the entire band gone to a bar to pick up chicks (okay, if Roger and Brian had), then John would've been what is referred to as a "wingman". Yes, he would've hooked up with the dumpy best friends of whoever Roger or Brian took home that night, because that's what bandmates do.

Having introduced the four principles in this group, I feel the need to compare them to another famous '70s rock foursome, Kiss. Kiss was once regarded an awesome group, until Gene Simmons decided to put the band's name and faces on everything from condoms to coffins. Which isn't fair: if anybody deserves to be honored with their own condom, it would be Freddie Mercury.

But here's the rub, all that stuff that Kiss put their name on and the ONE THING that their fans really wanted from them was Kissology. Kissology was a 3-volume DVD set of concert footage, video clips, news items and video detritus that spanned their entire career. They sold millions upon millions of the damn things. And the funny thing is Queen were home video innovators once upon a time, with the triple-VHS set "The Magic Years" and video releases of their 1986 Wembley Stadium concert and the first Video EP releases.

I know that Queen has to have quite an array of live footage sitting around gathering dust. Bits and pieces have come out, but all post-1981. Why not a Queenology for the fans old and new?

If it were up to me, I'd structure the release of Queenology like Kiss did with their sets, each one chronicling a specific period in the group's career.

VOLUME 1: 1973-1977
"Keep Yourself Alive" promo (both versions)
"Liar" promo (both version)
Rainbow Theatre, 1974
Hammersmith Odeon, 1975
Hyde Park, 1976
Earls Court, 1977
Houston Summit, 1977

VOLUME 2: 1978-1982
Hammersmith Odeon "Concert For Kampuchea", 1979
Jazz Tour, 1978
Argentina Tour, 1981
"Under Pressure" & "Crazy Little Thing Called Love", Saturday Night Live, 1982

VOLUME 3: 1984-1986
Tokyo, Japan, The Works Tour 1985
Budapest, A Kind Of Magic Tour 1986

I don't know what else is out there, maybe combine the 1978-1986 stuff. I don't know how you treat their lack of concert performance after 1986, either. Somebody please get Queen on the horn and get them at this already. I don't care if the video isn't perfect. I want to give you my money, Brian May. Why won't you let me give you my money?