I can save the NHL

Football? Pish-tosh! Aren't you ready for some HOCKY! That's how you spell it right? I don't see it on TV anymore, so I don't know how they spell it exactly. Hocey will return in October, but those of us with basic cable won't see it. Which is most of us.

The NHL will be roaring back onto the ice to thrill their fans, but it is a far cry from the Golden Age, when hokey was part of the Big 4 American sports (along with Major League Baseball, the NBA, and the NFL). I'm not sure when it went downhill for hockey. Perhaps it was after Messier and the Rangers won the Stanley Cup, after Gretsky retired, or maybe the 2005 lockout. Certainly, not being on ESPN anymore didn't help. Estimates have the NHL as being worth about 2.27 billion dollars a year, which is three times less than the NFL. The NHL has a contract to run games on NBC on weekend afternoons, but that itself will not grow the fan base nationwide.

Consider this, while attendance records are good for the 30 NHL franchises, TV ratings are nil in the US because they're on Versus. It doesn't help that the 90s was an expansion era that gave us a load of teams that no one can be bothered to care about.

I can save the NHL, though. Just a spoonful of The Mike's medicine and I can make it all better.

For instance, there are 30 teams, but sixteen playoff slots. Contrast this with MLB, which has eight playoff slots for 30 teams, and the NFL, which has twelve for 32. Yes, the NBA also has 16 for 30, but people actually care about the NBA.

So we shorten the playoff format to eight teams. Six division champions and two wild-card teams. This makes the playoffs more valuable and shortens them so they don't clash with the beginning of the NBA playoffs.

Step two: Cut out some of these freakin' teams.

First things first, Columbus Blue Jackets are straight out. Don't need 'em. Are there any Blue Jackets fans? Didn't think so.

I want to get rid of the Minnesota Wild, but I can't because people actually like them. But the name "Wild" sucks. So we call them the Minnesota North Stars, like the team that was there before they moved to Dallas. Ah-ha, that's it! The Dallas Stars are out! I don't care that they were a playoff team last year and they won a cup in 1999. I don't even care if they have a fanbase! Gone with yesterday's fish paper, you are!

Only six NHL teams are Canadian, which is a crock. Part of the problem is that some teams went south to make money. The Winnipeg Jets became the Phoenix Coyotes while the Quebec Nordiques became the Colorado Avalanche. I'd keep the Avalanche but contract the Coyotes. Phoenix doesn't need hkckey. Phoenix needs to move out of Arizona.

If I could, I'd demolish the entire Southeast Division in the Eastern Conference. Atlanta, Nashville, Carolina, Florida, and Tampa Bay (which is already in Florida). Who let the state of Florida have two NHL teams? I will be magnanimous and spare the Nashville Predators because my friend Smitty was a fan. But he lives in Washington, DC and can watch Capitols games, though. On second thought, no let's go ahead and keep Nashville.

The Florida Panthers have to go, but the Tampa Bay Lightning can stay because they actually won a Cup. (Note to self: Kill Wayne Huizenga before he buys another sports team). Atlanta has to go because they've already burned through a NHL franchise (the Flames, who went to Calgary in 1980). Atlanta shouldn't have sports, period. No Falcons, no Braves, no Hawks, no nothin'.

For my last trick, goodbye to the L.A. Kings. I'm sorry, but Southern California can't have three teams. L.A. has the Kings, Anaheim has the Ducks, and there's the San Jose Sharks (even if San Jose isn't technically Southern California). It's easiest to get rid of the Kings because they're never good.

If I have my numbers right, I have killed off six teams, leaving the NHL with 24. Rosters will be stocked with greater depth which insures better play all around. I know that the divisions will need to be re-stocked, but it can be done. Here's how.

Western Conf.
Division A:
Chicago Blackhawks
Detroit Red Wings
Nashville Predators
St. Louis Blues
Minnesota North Stars (formerly the Wild)
Edmonton Oilers

Division B:
San Jose Sharks
Colorado Avalanche
Calgary Flames
Vancouver Canucks
Anaheim Ducks

Eastern Conference
Division 1:
New Jersey Devils
New York Rangers
New York Islanders
Philadelphia Flyers
Pittsburgh Penguins
Tampa Bay Lightning

Division 2:
Boston Bruins
Buffalo Sabres
Montreal Canadiens
Ottowa Senators
Toronto Maple Leafs
Washington Capitols

Okay, I miscalculated. I've got 23 teams, not 24. Fine, then we'll settle this like men. The principle majority owners of the seven teams I contracted fight to the death to keep their teams. Last one living gets to stay in the League. One weapon: a broken pool cue.

Make it fast.