500-Lb. Year In Review

January: I was in a coma this month. I don't remember anything that happened.

February: The Giants won the Super Bowl. More importantly, the Patriots lost the Super Bowl. "Gonna be a good year", I said to myself. Slipped back into coma.

March: I turned thirty years old. Barely felt it. Avoided all restaurants for fear of hearing crappy birthday song from server staff.

April: I rooted for the downfall of Rudy Guiliani's campaign. At some point, it happened. I can't remember if it happened in April.

May: Found out the difference between tribalism and tribadism. At least that's what the certificate says.

June: Thought about writing a book. Declined to on grounds that failure might be an option. Took a lengthy nap interrupted by occasional piss breaks.

July: Nearly overcome with heatstroke. Made plans to move house to a nearby beer cave.

August: Nearly did something.

September: Trolled people on the internet and real life. Patted self on back.

October: Did not dress up as The Joker for Halloween. Felt good about that. My family thinks all my friends are meth addicts. I fail to attempt to convince them otherwise.

November: Obama wins Presidency. Country very happy. I smile a little bit. I knew it would be an alright year. I'm glad not to be in public relations or the auto industry.

December: This part of the blog.