What do I do with my Simpsons porn?

Dear 500-Lb. Life Coach,

I was recently convicted for possessing child pornography. I didn't even have any pictures of kids. All I had were some drawings of the Simpsons fucking each other. I had Maggie blowing Bart, and Lisa in a three-way with Homer and Marge. What should I do?

- Fucked in Australia

Dear Fucked,

It says here that the judge in your case, Justice Michael Adams, ruled that a fictional or imaginary person character constituted a person. In other words, if you have a drawing of Han Solo giving Jesus Christ a handjob, that would be considered a work of pornography in Australia.

Look, Fucked, I don't know what to tell you. You can't move to another country because you'd then have to register as a sex offender in that country. If you moved to the United States, you'd have to put a sign in your yard and a bumper sticker on your car saying you're a sex offender. And when folks are confronted with that fact, nuance tends to get lost on them. Even if the most egregious thing you ever downloaded or looked at online was a picture of Bart and Lisa 69'ing.

We can all agree that CP is awful and gross, and the people who consume and produce these materials should be shot out of a cannon into a lake filled with pirahnas and electric eels. Their remains should then be cooked and fed to starving dogs. BUT there is a big fuck difference between child pornography and drawings of The Simpsons blowing each other. The former is a crime, the latter is intermittently amusing but frequently suffers from poor quality.

I don't know if you have to register as a sex offender in Australia, Fucked, but I hope for your sake that the law is changed to reflect what constitutes a person. Justice Adams shit the bed with this one.

Because I feel for you, I'm going to indulge in a freedom that I have in the United States that you don't. I'm going to try to find some Simpsons porn, some Family Guy, American Dad, Futurama, Kim Possible, and who knows what other animated shows porn I can find. I didn't want to but I have to, just to savor the freedom that you Aussies don't have. My country 'tis of thee, sweet land of liberty.