It's not "gay", it's not "retarded", just shut up

'ello Kiddies,

I've decided that in order to get more unique page views, I need to clean up my language a bit. Maybe not say the f-word and the c-word and the w-word (wanna know what that one is, dont'cha?). But I've been restricting myself for some time now, and I'd like to explain why.

I am fed up with things being "retarded" or "gay". Like when I ask my friend Neckbone how his weekend was and we have a conversation like this...

"Hey, Neckbone, how was your weekend?"
"Awww man, my weekend was sick. Friday night I had to take my girlfriend to go see The House Bunny at the movie theater and it was gay as hell, you know?"
"Gay? I thought that movie was about a Playboy bunny who moved into a sorority. What's so gay about that?"
"Naw man, not really gay, just stupid gay, you know, man?"
"Not really. You use a lot of commas when you talk.
"Saturday, though, I got to go drinking out in a field with my boys Cooter and Eldred. I'm tellin' you, we got retarded out there, drank a whole case of beer. Good times. But then the car wouldn't start, which was retarded."
"Wait a second, you just said you got retarded and then the car not starting was retarded..."
"DUUUUDE! 'Retarded' is just one of those words that has more than one meaning. Kinda like the word 'gay', ya know, ya retard?"

Satisfied with the verbal jab, he dies a horrible death in my mind.

The term 'gay' has already gone through a major change in the last hundred years, going from meaning 'happy' to meaning 'homo'. Nobody really minded because the word became a nice, easy time-saver of a description. Homosexual, five syllables. Gay, one syllable. Gay people liked it better, too, because it sounded less clinical.

As for 'retarded', it is a word with multiple definitions, but they are all linked to the same thing: being affected with mental retardation, and the usage I refrain from is the offensive one. There is a personal reason for this.

I have a friend with a five-year-old son who has Down's Syndrome. One of the things that my friend can't stand is the usage of "retard/ed" in pop culture. I can't blame him, though. When people want to say something is stupid, they call it "retarded", and for what? To indirectly insult the many people in this country who are affected by Down's Syndrome, cerebral palsy, autism, etc.?

I'm not lobbying for people to start calling the disabled "differently abled", I just sympathize with my friend who wants to watch "Attack Of The Show" without hearing the r-word used to describe a lousy video game. If something is stupid, call it stupid. I have friends who are stupid, but they'll never get upset about the term because they don't think they're being talked about.

The Greatest Achievement...not so great, really.

Last week, I promised to unveil the greatest achievement in the history of modern art.

As it turns out, I don't have a very strong argument for my case, which was this: the fact that there are eight Dead Milkmen albums is the greatest achievement in the history of modern art.



And indeed it's a hell of an achievement, simply that they got to make eight albums (two of which released on a genuine MAJOR LABEL) over the course of ten years. But it can't possibly be the greatest achievement, for a myriad of reasons. I'll try to list a few below.

Reason One: The idea that the culmination of all modern art would include "Bitchin' Camaro" would mark me as either a fanboy or complete doofus. Honestly, I couldn't live with myself either way.

Reason Two: The idea of "Greatest (ANYTHING)" has been beaten to death far before I ever got to the party. For example, Rolling Stone and Blender frequently have lists of things they consider "Greatest". Usually, I deride these list as foolish and trite. So for me to consider anything "definitive", "greatest" or that icky term "seminal" is hypocritical. I should know better.

Reason Three: What if I'm right, and people believe me? Do we erect stone monuments to Joe Jack Talcum and Rodney Anonymous? If so, where do we erect them? Not to mention, as much as I enjoy their music, should we really canonize the guys who wrote "Takin' Retards To The Zoo" and "Surfin' Cow"? Methinks not.

Reason Four, and Most Importantly: My definition of Modern Art, which included pop music, books and movies, stretches the term "Modern Art" beyond the breaking point. I can't really include "Dude, Where's My Car", "Trump: The Art of the Deal" or any Beyonce album under the Modern Art umbrella alongside the Dadaist movement, Bauhaus movement, Pop Art et al.

So I apologize for this copout and inability to defend eight Dead Milkmen albums as the greatest achievement in Modern Art. However, the fact that they got to make eight, all of which gaining some sort of nationwide or international distribution, is damn near the most miraculous achievement ever. I can't front, it's pretty inspiring.

The greatest achievement in modern art...COMING SOON!!

Modern art.

By that, I don't solely mean the art movement that culminated in the late 1960s. In fact, I don't even hold the term "modern art" to art. For the purposes of this discussion, the 500-Lb. Life Coach/Art Critic includes performing arts as well. We live in the Instant Entertainment Age and it's lots of fun, but not a lot of "art" comes out of it.

Naturally, in art circles, modernism has evolved into post-modernism and various mediums under the umbrella of "conceptual art". It is my opinion that works of cinema, music, literature, and (what the hey) television can in certain circumstances be considered works of "conceptual art".

The idea that the idea becomes the machine that pushes the work (which is practically a formality anyway) is one that I'm taken by. I've pondered the notion that people continue to practice artforms outside the mainstream of our culture. Sure, artists ply their trade and put something on the wall or create an installation, but they can't be sure that it will have any impact upon a gallery. Poets continue to write, and many of the better ones probably lock their work away like Emily Dickinson instead of subjecting a Third Tuesday-type of open mic crowd to their efforts. There are entirely too many bands, rappers and singers on the planet; so many that there is no conceivable way they all could "MAKE IT BIG", Wham! feat. George Michael style. Yet they soldier on, knowing that obscurity could very well be thrust upon them anyway.

I have had a revelation in these past days, and it wasn't pretty. In fact, it's not even all the way formed yet as a solid argument. So that's why the thing says "COMING SOON" at the top. In a few short days, I will tell you what the greatest achievement in modern art (as I defined it earlier) is. I guarantee you will disagree with me, so that's why I'm working to build my case.

This achievement could be one work (like "Grapefruit: A Book Of Instructions And Drawings" by Yoko Ono), the work from a certain period (both Yoko and John Lennon's "Plastic Ono Band" albums) or it could be an entire body of work (for example, every Yoko Ono album). While I'm not interested in doing any Yoko-bashing, I will say that the GREATEST ACHIEVEMENT IN MODERN ART is not any of these things.

I'll make an announcement when I'm ready to put this down. You really won't like what I'm going to say is THE GREATEST ACHIEVEMENT IN MODERN ART. Or you might, if you really like to take the piss.

The kids need help, so I help the kids.

Okay, it's been a week since I last yelled at you. I'd like to thank you who regularly read this column for not calling me out on not knowing shit about cocaine since I've never actually done it. For this new blog, I'm going to help an actual teenager about something I actually know something about...

Do you think i should like lose weight.

Like i dont know i weigh like 90-95 now,
should i lose like 5-10lbs?
Or what?
Reply honestly and if yer close to me,
Im ignoring you.

The girl who posted this myspace bulletin is a freshman in high school. I've met her once at a show, and she didn't look like the kind of kid who needed to lose weight. She also posted this as a bulletin after the first one.

I have the worst cheeks eva
They are too big
Like a fucking chipmunk storing some nuts.
they need to leave along with my leg fat.
and once my pudge is gone, no matter how small you people think it is
I might actually be happy.

So yeah.
Im going on a diet.
Better than Vegitarian.
I think i might go vegan.

Now, it's entirely possible that this girl is just fishing for complements because she doesn't feel pretty. She's laid out the basic facts (90-95 pounds) with a basic amount needed to lose (5 pounds). She mentions adjusting her diet to accomplish this task (going vegan). So, apparently the second bulletin was sent to reinforce the point because she didn't get enough replies on the first one. "OH, NO YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL JUST THE WAY YOU ARE!" didn't happen enough times or from the right people and now I realize I've been tricked by a fourteen-year-old girl.

So I'm going to give this girl some advice, even though she just wants to be told she's pretty (she's a female, and it's natural for this need): Learn to spell, sweetie. Vegetarian! Vegetarian! Look, if you type the word and there is a red line under it, good chance you misspelled it. It's also possible that the computer doesn't understand (like with the word "wainscotting"), but mostly its' the poor spelling of the writer.

I can't help you lose weight, but I can help you spell.

The 500-Lb. Guide To Cocaine

NOTE: The 500-Lb. Life Coach has never done coke. Possibly because on the few occasions it was offered to him, he was scared of the people who offered to him. It's also possible that a fat rail of coke would end up getting caught up in my arteries and kill me once and for all. That doesn't mean I can't tell you the TRUTH about this white powder, for mostly ill.

COCAINE: TRUTH TIME

Cocaine. It's a motherfucker. It's a hell of a drug, like Rick James said. Cocaine has inspired a lot of bad music, bad movies, bad entertainment. Okay, the movie "Xanadu"? Whoever made that movie? REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEL high on coke.

"Flash Gordon", the 1980 Dino De Laurentiis movie with a soundtrack by Queen? Totally coked out, and probably the soundtrack too. That "Sgt. Pepper's" film with the Bee Gees and Peter Frampton. Mm-hmm. Van Halen's "1984" album. Same there.

But do you need modern examples, like from the last five years? Okay, I got you on there. OutKast's "Idlewild"? How's that for you. At least half the album (we know which one). More than a fair amount of rap music, hell - most pop music. I imagine Hannah Montana's songwriters are Hoovering themselves all the way to a deviated system.

And the film industry. I can only imagine that Brett Ratner and Michael Bay are up to their eyebrows in snow. Jerry Bruckheimer used to work with Don Simpson, the most infamous coked-out producer in modern Hollywood history. Don Simpson's exploits are Hollywood legend, and you have to imagine Bruckie had it together enough to keep his use in moderation. This motherfucker thought we needed, what, five Lethal Weapon movies? This prick made Mel Gibson the world-wide star he is today. Snowblowing fucker.

But enough about Coke and Hollywood. Let's talk about Coke and You.

How can any drug be glamorous if you have to do it in a bathroom stall? Honestly. Or in your boss' office at the restaurant you work? Honestly, how much pep do you need to take a party to their table? How is making a night out better when it's the same old club or bar, only you're more erratic? Honestly. Let's keep it real, children.

Coke and Teens:

What the fuck are you doing, teens? You've got pot and beer, why do you need to do coke and you're not even out of high school. Can't you wait until you're in college? I know you're not listen to me. Most of you aren't going to read this. Hell, you've probably done some already, you might be doing cocaine as you read this. In which case, STOP FUCKER!

Don't you know if you do coke, you make a kitten cry?



Do you see what you have done, coked-up teens of America? You've forced this kitten to pick up the bad habit of drinking? Mind you, it's a foo-foo drink but still, you're breaking Fluffy's fuckin' heart!

Straight Talk: Cocaine (The Thin White Duke)

Let's have a little more fun with Teenadvice.about.com, because they're talking about COCAINE now. They decide to do give the straight talk to the kids about nose candy and naturally I have to make fun of them about it. Cocaine is not talked about very much in pop culture, apart from Dr. Roxso from "Metalocalypse" or whenever Buckcherry releases a new album.

So let's have some fun with Cocaine, as written by Jessica Stevenson (who holds a master's degree in social work from New York University...where I'm sure she got to learn about the horrors of coke firsthand). This is the first sentence of the piece...

Lots of people think of cocaine as a has-been '80s drug, but it's still around in a big way.

"I DO CO-CAINE!!!"

Cocaine--known as coke, crack, rock, Charlie, snow, flake, nose candy, powder, sneeze, toot and blow, among other things--is an extremely addictive stimulant derived from the coca plant. It can be snorted (powder cocaine), smoked (crack and freebase cocaine), injected or chewed.

Sneeze? Is that what they called it at NYU? I've heard the other ones but not "sneeze". Furthermore, I didn't know that people in North America chewed coke. That's gonna fuck up your teeth enamel.

Any form of cocaine can do lots of damage to your body because it targets your brain and central nervous system. It can also do a lot of damage to your wallet, not to mention your reputation.

"Coke is God's way of telling you that you have too much money." - Lorne Michaels (attributed). His reputation doesn't suck because of cocaine use, it's because he introduced Jimmy Fallon to the world.

Cocaine usually comes as a white, powder-like substance diluted ("cut") with sugar, crushed vitamins, flour, cornstarch and other powders. Crack comes in small "rocks," which are inserted into a pipe.

Really? You almost make it sound like a health supplement. Just say "baking soda" and kids will leave that shit alone. Nobody wants a nose fulla Arm & Hammer. COKE WITH VITAMINS C and D! I have this image of little Johnny putting a dash of Arm & Hammer into Dad's Calabash pipe. The only thing more embarrassing would be getting caught hanging oneself while jerking off.

How Does Cocaine Work?

Cocaine makes a beeline for the pleasure center of the brain, disrupting the balance of chemicals that keep your moods and emotions in check.

The "high" cocaine produces typically lasts less than 20 minutes. The quicker the drug reaches the brain, the shorter the high:

• Injecting cocaine introduces the drug to the bloodstream immediately, and its effects on the brain are instant.

• Smoking crack brings cocaine into the bloodstream through the lungs. In less than five seconds, the drug travels to the heart and brain.

• When snorted, cocaine enters the bloodstream through mucus membranes in the nose and travels through the body. Some of the drug is processed by the liver and some reaches the brain.

So, if you're scoring at home, you gotta inject or smoke the goodies. Snorting coke? You might as well set your allowance on fire.

What Are The Effects of Cocaine?

Cocaine’s high involves feelings of euphoria, heightened alertness, increased sex drive and decreased desire for sleep and food. Some cocaine users feel hyper when they’re high, and others report feeling more powerful and confident. However, a great deal of people feel anxious, angry, confused or hostile when using cocaine.

Yeah, you youngsters with your body issues and your low self-esteem things certainly don't want to feel powerful or confident, even if only for a little while. Euphoria sounds like a good time when you're a kid. Besides, you're already hostile, confused, anxious and pissed when you're a teenager, so what's the difference. Has anyone at TeenAdvice ever talked to a teen? I have, but usually just to flirt.

There's some boring stuff about the physical effects of coke on the body, the pupils dilating, nosebleeds, etc. I can't make jokes about facts, but coke will make you not want to eat, which means you'll lose weight and then the quarterback will ask you to THE PROM!

Cocaine and other drugs do not mix well. In fact, mixing cocaine with other substances is more likely to make it fatal.

The most common cause of death from cocaine overdose is respiratory failure. Respiratory failure is more likely when a depressant drug such as heroin has been taken as well, especially in a cocaine-heroin combination known as a speedball.

Cocaine is also particularly dangerous when mixed with alcohol. Combining the two drugs creates a substance known as cocaethylene, which strengthens the high of cocaine and increases the risk of sudden death.

Can you drink booze and snort lines and not die, like most drug abusers do? Congrats, you're not an idiot. You've done some amateur science and came out the other side. Tell that bastard Chemistry teacher of yours to give you a passing grade if you don't O.D.

Is Coke Really That Dangerous?

Yes! Cocaine can kill you, especially if you overdose.

Cocaine-related deaths are often caused by respiratory failure, heart attacks, abnormal heart rhythms, gangrene of the intestine, ruptured blood vessels and/or high body temperature. It's the source of lots of nasty chronic health issues, too, including heart problems, strokes, seizures, headaches, tremors, abdominal pain and nausea.

Frequent users of cocaine often experience agitation, depression and/or insomnia. They may become increasingly paranoid, restless and irritable. For some, these symptoms evolve into a mental illness that involves hallucinations and psychosis.

The second paragraph is the clincher, because it only proves that no one can tell the difference between a cokehead and being a teenager. Agitated, depressed, can't sleep? Paranoid, restless, irritable? Does this sound like you at seventeen? Except for the hallucinations, of course.

Here's an anecdote: in my senior year of high school, I read a brochure on "Symptoms of Marijuana Users" that had a list of ten symptoms. I had eight of them, and I hadn't smoked my first joint yet. I wouldn't smoke pot for another four years.

I'm going to put out the Honest Guide to Cocaine soon. I can't just shit on this and not have an alternative. That would be too punk rock. So tune in soon, to the Honest Guide to Cocaine.

Queenology: Why Not Already?

As very few of you know, I am a huge fan of the band Queen. For those of you who don't know, Queen was a band that featured as its' lead singer a gentleman from Zanzibaar with buck teeth named Freddie Mercury. He wore tights that would embarrass most men, leotards that didn't have neck-lines so much as belly-button-lines, which would show that either he (hopefully) kept rolled-up tube socks in the front or (probably) he really enjoyed his job as frontman.

On guitar, stood a very tall aspiring scientist named Brian May. In his youth, he built a guitar out of the kindling of a discarded fireplace, a guitar he would go on to play for the rest of his years. May called it "The Red Special"; snarky jerks referred to it as "The Fireplace". In his later years, he would complete his doctorate in astronomy and publish his thesis on zodiacal light. Essentially, he remains a Renaissance man and the kind of person who could be Dr. Who.

On drums, the sole blond gent in the group, sat Roger Taylor, once known as Roger Meddows-Taylor. Roger liked fast cars and women, and for his part once wrote a great song called "I'm In Love With My Car." Rather than big star Freddie, Roger was the first Queen member to release a solo album. I have not heard it.

The bassist was John Deacon, a r&b enthusiast who was rumored to be a mole who lived in a cavern in the English countryside. John was the quiet, reserved type and had the entire band gone to a bar to pick up chicks (okay, if Roger and Brian had), then John would've been what is referred to as a "wingman". Yes, he would've hooked up with the dumpy best friends of whoever Roger or Brian took home that night, because that's what bandmates do.

Having introduced the four principles in this group, I feel the need to compare them to another famous '70s rock foursome, Kiss. Kiss was once regarded an awesome group, until Gene Simmons decided to put the band's name and faces on everything from condoms to coffins. Which isn't fair: if anybody deserves to be honored with their own condom, it would be Freddie Mercury.

But here's the rub, all that stuff that Kiss put their name on and the ONE THING that their fans really wanted from them was Kissology. Kissology was a 3-volume DVD set of concert footage, video clips, news items and video detritus that spanned their entire career. They sold millions upon millions of the damn things. And the funny thing is Queen were home video innovators once upon a time, with the triple-VHS set "The Magic Years" and video releases of their 1986 Wembley Stadium concert and the first Video EP releases.

I know that Queen has to have quite an array of live footage sitting around gathering dust. Bits and pieces have come out, but all post-1981. Why not a Queenology for the fans old and new?

If it were up to me, I'd structure the release of Queenology like Kiss did with their sets, each one chronicling a specific period in the group's career.

VOLUME 1: 1973-1977
"Keep Yourself Alive" promo (both versions)
"Liar" promo (both version)
Rainbow Theatre, 1974
Hammersmith Odeon, 1975
Hyde Park, 1976
Earls Court, 1977
Houston Summit, 1977

VOLUME 2: 1978-1982
Hammersmith Odeon "Concert For Kampuchea", 1979
Jazz Tour, 1978
Argentina Tour, 1981
"Under Pressure" & "Crazy Little Thing Called Love", Saturday Night Live, 1982

VOLUME 3: 1984-1986
Tokyo, Japan, The Works Tour 1985
Budapest, A Kind Of Magic Tour 1986

I don't know what else is out there, maybe combine the 1978-1986 stuff. I don't know how you treat their lack of concert performance after 1986, either. Somebody please get Queen on the horn and get them at this already. I don't care if the video isn't perfect. I want to give you my money, Brian May. Why won't you let me give you my money?

For Girls: "Does The Cute Boy Like Me?"

I typed "advice" in my little Google box and the first site listed was http://teenadvice.about.com and their headline was "How To Tell If He Has A Crush On You". They list eight items that might be helpful or misleading, depending on your situation. So, for all the girls who wonder if the cute boy likes them, here are the eight steps listed by Teen Advice, but parsed by The 500-Lb. Life Coach (full disclosure: The 500-Lb. Life Coach was never the cute boy in school).

1. Your gut says "Yes!"

The problem with this is that the brain is telling the guts what's up, but if you might be suffering from a delusion. For example, between 1997 and 2003, I used to think I was in line to become King of Sweden. If this is the case, I suggest a good dose of cognitive therapy and the book "Feeling Good" by David D. Burns, M.D. He has a website: www.feelinggood.com

2. They can't take their eyes off you.

This could be true whether you have big tits or a misshapen head. Remember that some people have watched Brazilian Fart Porn over and over again, unironically.

3. They want to be near you.

This only works if you're a rich kid.

4. They remember things you said.

True story: Senior year of high school, I went to watch our basketball team play a home game. There was always a clique of kids who always went to games, while I went only a few times. The cheerleaders did a "Gimme-An-E..." type of chant to spell out "EAGLES", but when the cheerleaders finally concluded with "What's that spell?", the cool kids always feigned ignorance at them. Ha-ha, funny joke. One that I wasn't aware of until it was too late.

For this game I sat on the edge of the cool crowd, and prepared to say "Boners!" in place of "Eagles!" in order to crack up the two or three idiots next to me. So when the cheerleaders went into the chant, I expected my boner comment to be muffled by a shout of "Eagles!" Instead, the guys feigned silence while I pepped up with a lone "boners!" Instantly, everyone had a good laugh and I became "Boner Boy" for the rest of that semester. Yes, it's true. People remember what you say, but that cuts both ways.

5. They think you're hilarious - even if you totally aren't.

This one is the most true so far. I can't refute it. The cute boy could grab your tit and pretend it's a volume knob and you might think that's cute, even though if Snidely McOutcast tried that, you'd have him sent to the rubber room with all the other problem students. Yeah, perception is reality and your perception is distorted like a fun-house mirror in high school.

By the way, I was hilarious in high school, even though everyone thought I totally wasn't.

6. They smile like it's going out of style!

(this is what Teen Advice wrote)
When you walk into the room, his face lights up. You raise your hand in class, and he grins like he's just won the lottery. When you talk to each other, he's smiling big and paying attention. Yup, he thinks you're the bee's knees. Now ask him out already!

Who wrote this? Some sort of alcoholic cat lady with a heart full of regret because she didn't take some initiative and ask a boy to prom, therefore ending up home alone that weekend with a pack of frankfurters and a crying towel? Okay, I'm sorry, I'm not good at imagery.

7. They tell someone they like you.

This is always bad. Third parties love to cause drama and chaos, by saying "So-and-so likes you" when maybe so-and-so DOESN'T like you like that. Maybe he thinks you're nice, or friendly, or a Plan D in case the three chicks he really wants to make out with turn him down, but he probably doesn't like you like you like him. There are too many "likes" in this fucking paragraph.

8. They ask for your opinion.

This is code for "they copy off your paper." Are you a good student? Really outstanding at algebra or social studies or something that requires reading the textbook? Here's a great plan: offer to "tutor" him, then while you're tutoring him grab his junk. What's he gonna do? He can't talk at that point. "Please stop playing with my dick or I'll call Mom!" Then warn him not to brag to his friends or you'll sic your older brother or dad on him for lying about you. Tighten your grip to emphasize that point.

If he keeps his mouth shut, then it's hand party all the fucking time! He'll think you're okay in no time! Pretty soon, he'll return the favor (don't worry, it'll take about a dozen times before he does so, and bring a towel because if he gets tit access, those suckers will be covered in saliva 'til next Tuesday.)

One final note: don't give out the mouth and pussy love too soon. Wait at least until your junior prom and only if he's a foreign exchange student or an older guy who bought you pot. You know what, stop reading this.

The 500-Lb. Film Critic: The Dark Knight

I finally got off my duff and walked into the late night Sunday screening of The Dark Knight. I did not watch it in IMAX, I will have to go see it in IMAX soon. Here are some thoughts I've had in the last day since I watched TDK.

1. Why does Christian Bale in the Batsuit sound like Little Nicky when he speaks?

2. If Coleman Reese is on TV saying he knows who Batman is, and is known as being an employee of Wayne Enterprises...um, wouldn't somebody have figured out 2 plus 2 on that one?

3. Heath Ledger as the Joker: as good as advertised. I still chuckle at the "pencil-disappearing scene."

4. This movie only proves that Joel Schumacher is a bigger douche than previously realized, especially given Michael Caine's portrayal of butler Alfred. Joel Schumacher had Arthur dying in "Batman & Robin". And the batnipples, too. Ugh. The Christopher Nolan reboot was a great idea.

5. If the reboot is a great idea, then how come I can't remember watching Batman Begins even though I borrowed it from a friend. I must have watched it, it was before I had home internet.

6. However, had David Cronenberg directed this film, I would've thrown up my popcorn.

7. So what happens next? Do you re-cast the Joker? You can't reboot the Joker. Whoever is cast would have to be Heath Ledger's Joker. I would say Hugh Laurie would make a great choice, but he's twenty years older than Ledger. Makeup is good, but would Laurie want to take on a role where someone else (Ledger) did the legwork.

8. Internet rumor has Philip Seymour Hoffman as the Penguin, but Nolan has pooh-poohed the idea of the Penguin in this series of films. Perhaps it's because of the Penguin's cartoony vibe, but it might also have something to do with the backstory of the Penguin: unlike many other Batman enemies, he isn't insane. Two-Face, driven mad. Riddler, driven mad. The Joker? Mad and we don't know why. Penguin, as scarred emotionally as he is, is still relatively well-adjusted and that won't vibe in the Nolan-style Batuniverse.

9. I am going to pin Harry Knowles down and shit in his mouth. Why? I flipped a coin. Heads, no poo-poo. He got tails.

Occupy yourself, fool!

in need of advice/suggestions
I'm mentally very worn out right now...
I need something to occupy myself besides online poker...
don't tell me to read a book, because that requires far too much thought at this point...
beyond that, is there anything anyone can suggest to help me occupy myself outside of work?
I mean, seriously...I'm to the point where I look forward to going to a shitty job because I can take an 8 hour mental vacation...
- blog posted by Stendarr, 6:45 PM, August 3, 2008


Do you like video games, Stendarr? Why not play some video games, and not computer video games either. You don't even need a Wii or XBox 366 or whatever the hot gaming system is these days. Do you have an Super Nintendo, Sega Genesis or something like that stored in your closet, along with all the games your parents bought for you when you were a child? If so, get crazy and whip those suckers out for old times sake. You know you wanna get wild with Super Mario 3 (watch out for World 3, it's the water world with the fish that swallows you whole...that fish always gave me nightmares). Do it, Stendarr. Relive your youth.

Oh, you don't have any old gaming systems? Shit, that sucks. Well, if you have any spending cash get thee to the nearest comic book store and buy some gaming material. When I was a kid (i.e., when I was 24), I used to play Magic The Gathering with friends. I haven't played in years, but I wish I had my deck still, so I could go gaming and play with people who have far more acne then I ever had. They would beat me in the game, but I'd get the last laugh because I'd drive back to my house and drink beer for dinner while they get in Mom's stationwagon and eat whatever she makes for them. God, I miss my mother.

Okay, you're not a gaming type. I get it, man. You like the online stuff, do ya? Fine, I get it, so I'm gonna give you an option that allows you to sit in your office chair: Enter a chat room and flag potential spammers. You know the ones? You go into the "Hot Sexxx" room and some bot keeps spitting out the same tired pickup line every few minutes. I'll give you a clue on which ones are spammers: they like giving their age, gender and location (like this: m/30/pit of eternal darkness).

Maybe you don't want to go in a chatroom, however. Maybe you don't have Java enabled, for reasons known only to yourself and your parole officer. Okay, why not go into a message board and "troll". Here's a great idea, for example: Go to Okayplayer.com boards, specifically the one called "The Lesson". The Lesson is the music-specific forum on the Okayplayer board. While in there, make an argument in favor of either Prince or Rick James while simultaneously condemning the other completely. Oh, boy will you incur a whole lotta wrath on that one.

There are so many options for you out there, Stendarr. You just gotta put on your thinking cap. My thinking cap looks like a yarmulke, only it's made of raw meat. ANGANGANGANGANGANGANG! See? Just got some thinking done.

Friends. Whoop-de-freaking-doo.

I've been meaning to go to a show this Saturday, but I just got invitation to a friend's wedding party. I've known both the bride and groom for many years, but it's not even an actual wedding. It's just an engagement party. And the invite says to bring a bottle of liquor for the party, but I don't drink. I'm supportive of my friend's getting married, but they're just the honorees of this party not the hosts. Should I tell the party to get fucked or should I bite my lip and show up with a bottle of something.

Signed,
Conflicted In A Red State

Dear Conflicted,
It would depend on how well you like your friends who are getting married. It would also depend on what show we're talking about here. Obviously, if it's something important, like "Miss Nude Indiana '08"...well, they do that every year, and it's not really all it's cracked up to be. I promise, with crossed fingers.

How long have you planned to do this though? What is it? Did you make plans with other people to go to it? Well, then you can't shake them off, and it would be impolite, particularly if it's something the group has invested a lot of time and energy in.

Okay, okay. Truth time. "Conflicted" is me. I'm not really that conflicted, because I've already made my decision. Here's the deal: I wanted to go to the Rollerderby in Evansville this Saturday, but it completely clashes with an engagement party some friends are throwing for a couple I've known nearly ten years. I'm good friends with them and I should go to this since their wedding is taking place about three hours away and I probably won't be able to make that one.

But it's the Rollergirls of Southern Indiana! It's their last bout of the season, too! Oooh this gets me flustered just thinking about it. I guess I could go to the Louisville rollergirls thing when they have them, but I got to go skinny-dipping with two of the girls after the bout and it was AWESOME (it's not technically skinny-dipping because they kept their clothes on and I flashed them...different story for a different time).

But if I expected to go swimming every time I went to see a Rollerderby bout, I'd probably be disappointed no matter how many times I went. What I'm saying is I want to be around women more, but this engagement party is going to be teh suck, because I am a n00b in teh game of l0ve. I get pwned every time, and without a doubt this party will be festooned with happy couples while I sit alone waiting for someone to say something to me. What fun?

In the end, I've decided to go to the engagement party. It's for friends, and I'm gonna try to get a gift or something in lieu of alcohol. I can't pick a good wine, anyway. Maybe I can get the happy couple something useful, like a twenty-year supply of headache powder. That's what friends do.