What about this? Does this make me gay?

A lady writes in with this reply to the previous post.

So if a girl makes out with another girl, is she bi? Because, yes I have made out with girls but I do not identify as bi.

Dear lady,

Again, no. Kissing is okay. Kissing at the bar is even better. Kissing in the ladies' room at the bar is even better and hotter, but it doesn't make you bi. A public girl-girl makeout is just good showmanship. It's also a great way to get free drinks. Save your money, let 'Bro handle the tab.

Go re-read the last blog I wrote and change the gender. Okay? Great.

Does this make you gay?

Mike writes in with this salacious tale...

I recently gave oral sex to my girlfriend's fiance... We were drunk at a New Years Eve party, I walked in on him taking a piss, and instead of shooing me away, he told me to come back, lock the door, and we handled our business.

Three weeks later, it's still VERY awkward between us whenever we see each other, and I've texted him that I liked it, but he responded "Dude I'm not gay... Drop it".

What should I think!??! He's not gay but he initiated it and he came just fine that night.

Dear Mike,

First, I have nothing against gay people, but I just wish your name wasn't Mike so people reading this won't think I'm pretending to be you. I've done this before with previous posts, and now they're gonna think I'm a cock-gobbler. Which wouldn't be a problem if it were true. So I guess I have a problem with gay guys, at least the ones named Mike. I'm sorry.

First of all, it's fucked up that you fooled around with your girlfriend's fiance. That girl who wanted to go shopping with you and compliment as she tried on new outfits. How cold can you be, man?

"We were drunk". Your words, not mine. "We were drunk" is practically a hall-pass to do shit one wouldn't do normally. You might scarf it sober but he wouldn't, and that's his problem. Of course it's awkward when you see him. That's your chick's dude and you both know something she doesn't, something that would set off the scene like a keg of dynamite. You have a Jerry Springer episode on your hands, and for you to text him is basically not allowing this issue to die which he obviously wants to happen.

To me, you hurt your girlfriend. I don't even care about the fiance getting a drunk BJ from you because human sexuality is fluid and all sorts of other stuff psychologists and college/Myspace bisexuals talk about. This poor girl is fuckin' lost. She's worried about her other girlfriends, other women, and not the D.L.. How fucked up is that?

Come on, man. There's plenty of dick to suck in this world, and a lot of it belongs to those who identify as straight men. But you crossed a line, and this poor girl is in for a rude shock if she finds out about it. Unless you don't give a shit about your friendship to her, you oughta care more about her than ol' boy.

Ex-Girl To Next Girl

Asks Ron,

I'm dating this sister, things are getting serious. We've been intimate on numerous occasions.

Yesterday I asked her how many sexual partners she's had. She told me that was none of business. Now this makes me think that she was or is a roller.

Personally I don't see anything wrong with asking. What do ya think? Have you told your SO how many partners you had?

Dear Ron,

I don't think it's inappropriate to ask this question to a lover. However, be prepared to receive a less-than-truthful answer, be you an innie or outie. Lemme explain...

Guys will talk up their numbers. Chicks will talk down their numbers. The guy wants to assure that he has enough experience in the field. The chick wants to assure that she is not a jizzbucket. Typically, she won't be a jizzbucket (I'm so magnanimous), but that doesn't stop her from fudging the numbers anyway.

I wish you'd told me how old you and your girl are. I could make a better decision for you. I knew a chick a long time ago who'd fucked at least fifty dudes by the time she turned twenty-four. Her two best girlfriends would always bitch about her getting drunk and fucking more than one guy at the same party. That girl had a VOID, son, and I am not talking about her cave of a vagina.

Reckon that the older the chick is, the higher the number should be. Adjust for inflation, like we're talking about 1970 dollars compared to now. For example, in November 1970 Richard Nixon asked Congress for $155 million in aid to prevent the Khmer Rouge from overthrowing the Cambodian government. $155 million. That's practically an arts endowment in 2009.

Meanwhile, you got guys counting every encounter they can imagineer into counting on the final tally. They'll count handjobs, blowjobs, and jerking off in the next room while their roommate and his girlfriend have sex. The trick is to use a number that is believable to the liar himself. If he's fucked three girls, he'll say nine because it's not that far away. Also, nine is divisible by three.

Take my word for it, I've fucked seventeen women. Wink, wink.

When your girl is at her male friend's place

Jay writes,

She hangs out with her guy friends solo. Am I wrong for having a problem with that? I just got off the phone after we had this big blow-out over the issue when she told me she was over her guy-friends crib.

To her defense she does have a lot of friends and I don't have a problem with her hanging with dudes...but at their crib, just them two?..gtfoh.

am I wrong tho?

Dear Jay,

Jay, your woman is over here right now and we're not fucking. However, she is making out with another chick. It's getting pretty hot and heavy. You should see the webcam feed we're posting. We got kicked off Justin.tv but who doesn't, eh? All they're doing is making out, a little boob-cupping and nothing serious.

Uh-oh, things are getting serious now. I gotta stop typing, this is too important to not catch for posterity and subsequent financial exploitation. Your girl loves to fill out release forms when she's drunk. Did you know that?

Are you wrong?

From Cris,

Am I lame for enjoying Shwayze?

Granted its' pretty pop, but uhm its' enjoyable.

Dear Cris,

You are now forcing me to listen to Shwayze, so here's a real time blog of me listening to a few of their songs.

Listening to "Corona And Lime" now. I don't mind the Cisco Adler singing in the chorus. I never thought I'd ever type that sentence.

This is the kind of thing I'd try to avoid paying attention to the words and focus on the music.

Wikipedia says Entertainment Weekly gave their album a "D+." I can't believe EW had the balls to break out the bad review, especially since they like EVERY FUCKING THING EVER. This means one of two things: either this album is truly awful or its' incredible in ways we can't fathom.

"Corona And Lime" is over and I could go without listening to it again. I'm sure it will end up on Applebee's playlist soon if it hasn't already. In that environment, I guess it would be okay.

I'm listening to "Buzzin'" and Cisco is singing the same melody he sang on the other song I just listened to. Literally.

Wiki says this album got mostly shitty reviews and I believe it. Why does this music remind me of grey pudding?

This album made the Top Ten in the States? I believe that, too. If I were the rapper, I'd try to get away from Cisco and try to find someone who won't make the same beat over and over again. This is what I gleamed from two songs.

So are you wrong, Cris? I dunno. Maybe. Probably. Just because I don't like it doesn't mean it's a guilty pleasure, though you must feel guilty if you're asking me if you're wrong. But maybe that's the problem. You know how people say "It's all good"? Well, maybe it's not. If I had to listen to a whole album of this, I'd probably get mad and punch a wall. Consider the source, I've been listening to an audience recording of Frank Zappa's 1978 Halloween concert. The whole thing, all four hours of it. It's great. What the fuck would I do with Shwayze? You understand what I'm saying?

If you like Shwayze and have some hard lemonade, I bet you can pull some serious junior high trim, buddy. That's what I think, honestly.

Nope. Haven't been doing a damn thing.

So I haven't updated this blog in a few weeks, and there's a few reasons for that.

#1. I've been down lately. With the post-Xmas lull setting in, I just haven't felt like maintaining three blogs simultaneously. Not with this life I try to have. Seriously, I try to maintain some semblance of a social life.

#2. No one wants my advice. I can't be a life coach if no one wants my help. Just because I'm gonna shit on your problems is no excuse for you to not solicit help from me.

#3. I'm annoyed about other things. I'm on the masthead of a weekly entertainment paper that has never given me one thin dime for my efforts. I'm listed as a writer, but I'm just a blogger. I might as well be an intern. If they had to pay me, they would've let me go since their parent company laid off about fifty people before Xmas.

#4. I've been watching a lot of videos like this. In case you're wary to click on that link, it's a video of an 1984 wrestling match between the Fabulous Ones and the Moondogs. Note to self: for next Halloween, go out as Moondog Spot. Awesome.

So what do I hope to accomplish in '09? Well, the 500-Lb. Life Coach has one modest goal: to post my first video blog. It will be difficult as I don't have a webcam, but I bet I have some friend who'd be willing to video tape me speaking for a few minutes and post it on the Tube. Okay? Great. Happy '09 and I'll see you at the matches.